he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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