Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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