Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
