Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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