She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
