Please, let me fuck your mom
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
