just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
