1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
