Swine flu is the new snow day.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
