I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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