I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
