yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
