Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
