I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
