In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
