Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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