Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
