i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
