Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
