im six kinds of drunk right now
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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