i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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