bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
it hurts more in the daytime
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize