So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
