I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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