Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
