So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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