I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
