just survived the first fart of the relationship.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize