Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
