He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
