You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize