Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
