I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
