I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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