Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
