Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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