he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize