i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
