you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
