Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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