I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
