Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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