Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
