New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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