You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
