Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
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