i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
