i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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