Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
