Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
