I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
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