peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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