I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
