you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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