Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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