Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize