It was confusing and full of hummus
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
