You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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