I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
did you just send me my own nude
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
