some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
