Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
