Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
