so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
