I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
