I wish my penis had an off switch
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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