got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
