fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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